The Untamed Lost Empath
by Cursed-Inheritor
Summary: Jasper alone in the world,after having left Peter and Charlotte behind his daily struggle with his needs and emotions take its toll on him how does he survive and what pushes him on when he has nothing to live for?
1. Chapter 1 Inner monster

_ "There can be no knowledge without emotion. We may be aware of a truth, yet until we have felt its force, it is not ours. To the cognition of the brain must be added the experience of the soul." Arnold Bennett_

Fighting with the burning fire flaring in the back of my throat, staring in to the eyes of the young man I have pinned to the wall his soft facial features almost making what I am about to do impossible. His eyes wide in fear and yet ore at me, I know that look well the look of shock at the paleness and coldness of my skin, I have heard others call me beautiful some even an angel, but that is far from what I am. Forcing calmness on him feeling his heart rate slow beneath my hand squashing his throat, the beating ringing in my ears, his scent his fear still driving the burning in my throat to the point where I have to sate it. I have to give over to the urges this body is plagued with, squashing his voice box crushing it between my fingers to stop the screams as I bite down, allowing the ruby liquid flow in to my mouth feeling the burn soothing sucking harder, drawing out all I can sating the monster with in me. The lack of screams means I can feed in peace, however just because he cannot physically scream does not mean I do not have to feel that pain, I can feel his screams wracking over my body, sending wave after wave of fear and pain coursing through my own body, reminding me of that fateful night, that very night I became what I am now.

Dropping the corpse to the floor; wanting to let go of the thing causing me sudden pain, the humanity in me clawing to the surface battling with the monster within me. I grumble looking around for somewhere to dump it, looking for a storm drain to stuff the body in to, the dark cover of the alley providing shadow to hide in as I pick up the corpse and drag him towards the nearest storm drain stuffing him inside, after all he has no need to be found, this low life scum is not worth the dignity of being found and mourned for. Growling to myself as I push the body into the storm drain, dropping to my knees as I hear the body drop, my humanity rushing back in to me like flood gates opened, the thud the sound of the lifeless body hitting the bottom reminding me of a time and a place where I lost myself, where all I knew was the kill, the hatred and instant gratification almost losing all of what humanity there was in me, but have I ever really found myself? Who am I?

Rising to my feet the sound of people nearby alerting me to move quickly, not wishing to be seen near the drain being careful I rush deeper in to the shadows heading towards the motel. This small motel on the out skirts of town where I currently spend my time fighting this monster, my monster. If I could only control it better, the taste of the young man's blood still on my tongue reminding me of that peace, that sweet moment where they give in, where they stop fighting, where they accept their fate. That moment is what I live for, the only time I know no pain only peace, the pain of feeding is worth it, for that moment of peace, growling to myself as I listen to my own thoughts, I am not a murder, I do not need to act this way there are different ways to control this, I have to find another way.

Sitting in the motel staring out of the window watching the people walk back wondering how Peter and Charlotte can coexist with the humans, walk in there world, there is so much temptation, so many heart beats sweet scents, sighs lying back on the bed, wracked with pain and guilt over my thoughts, the pain seemingly apart of my every move I make. My mind wondering to the only thing that brings me any kind of peace, that moment of acceptance, the only time I can feel anything other than pain and hatred. The monster in me revelling on the thoughts crossing my mind, the lives taken, the soothing feeling of the blood, the tastes sating the monster in me, losing myself in the thoughts reliving those moments of peace brought forth by those I killed. My humanity holding on to that fact, reliving those faces the pain the terror, all linking back to that pain that first pain the burning, the beautiful Maria and her words, such sweet words unbelieving that such an angel could so me harm. Yet here I am, the same angel, the same ugly death, only I do not create, I cannot bring anyone in to this life willingly, nor do I believe I have the restraint required to do such a thing, the monster in me is too strong, there is no stopping it or sating it once it is feeding.

Rolling over on the bed reaching over to the night stand grabbing the book from the side 'something wicked this way comes' chuckling to myself over the sincerity that demons haunt carnivals preying on young small town boys, such a lure of investigating the unknown it is safer to scare human children in to believing everything unknown is evil and forsaken by god. Sighing I wonder, is the same said of me? Surely those such as I, are surely forsaken by god and have lost all right to bare a soul? Where as many years ago I would have agreed in blood lust vengeance and hate there can be no god other than your own monster ruling yourself and any soul one had would have been eaten or replaced my something else entirely. And yet here I find myself battling with myself to not be that monster, if I have not lost my humanity, is that proof enough of an existence of a soul? Are there any redeeming qualities within this life at all?


	2. Chapter 2 the other face

Setting the book aside the sunlight vanishing behind clouds my previous night's hunt sated the thirst for now; I look out of the window watching the cars and people rush by, its morning rush hour, the most people I will see today, should I attempt to go for a walk? Or should I not be so foolish to think that one night's kill will suffice the monster in me enough to fight back the urge to feed?

Sliding off the bed picking up my worn boots sliding them on slowly looking up in to the mirror, looking at my eyes, a dark shade of red, my feeding habits of late showing in my pitiful lazy red eyes, almost dark enough to pass for human, but that means that I have not fed enough. Am I willing to take that risk? I must, I have to battle this monster I have to know for sure that I can withstand there scent, or I will never make it out of this slump.

Sliding on my shirt catching my body in the mirror, the silver crescent marks noticeable to only myself and others on my kind, each scar a representation of a time I cannot escape a past I shall be for ever trying to undo. All those impossible things I did, the insatiable thirst, playing on my mind in ways I wish I could escape but each human life my thirst forces me to take reminds me taking me back to those times making it all impossible to escape. How can I ever escape what I am? I have to accept this, I am a… No I am not only a monster. Buttoning up my shirt I run a hand through my hair sighing as I brace myself for the onset of emotions and scents.

Walking out of the motel room the rush hour is full of stress anxiety and general rushing, even their feelings are rushed, I laugh to myself remembering a time where the only worry I had was the daily grind of army life, which in comparison to the existence I have now was simple, much more simple, even when handing out the orders, the orders came from somewhere there was always rhyme and reason to life, now I am unsure exactly what I am to do with this existence. With this extra life I have been granted how am I supposed to know what to do? In the beginning I had a purpose from one war to another. The wars so different and yet entirely the same, rising quickly to lead, a major beyond the grave, laughs to myself over such an oddity.

This blood lust the nature of what I am, as inexcusable as it may be, at least in this I find a little solace, in drawing a parallel with my human self, much about my old life I miss. But if anything I was born to lead and those times during the vampire wars, they were times of plenty, times of blood, vengeance and taking and destroying anything and everything in our path. To bring this to where I am now, how am I the same person? To have been so sure of myself, so sure of the nature of what I am, to know without a doubt that Maria was the reason, the right and wrong the only command in my world I needed to obey to this? Lost alone and more confused than I ever was as a human, the humanity that found me, how did it find me? To feel as I feel now about humans altered me, no, it was the way in which I saw Maria that altered me, her emotions giving her away, making it so easy to leave behind that life I knew. And now not even Peter and Charlotte can help me, I am stuck between the monster I have been and trying not to be, but I want the peace, I want that soothing sensation, why should it matter if I take one or two from a town's population? Why should I be wracked with guilt for taking what I need to survive?

Stopping in my tracks the scent of a passing female taking me by surprise causing a want in me burning deep, this I wasn't expecting, I wasn't prepared for this. Turning to follow her stalking her staying far enough away from the small brunette that she would not notice me until I wanted her to, the wind blowing her scent directly at me inhaling deep letting her scent burn me, the venom in my mouth bringing forth it's insatiable thirst. I approach her cautiously, lowering her guard making her feel calm and relaxed in my presence I smile at her, I see her smiling back her eyes glazed over, 'dazzled' by my beauty and my charm as I offer her my arm she takes it, hardly even asking a question, I have the usual, who are you? Where did you come from? I offer little in the way of information, it is useless for them to know_ "I am a drifter, Jasper Whitlock" _is all I offer as she follows me down to the alley. She looks concerned but awed. This look is the one I find bemusing, as long as I keep her emotions calm I can do this quietly. Groaning, always with the quite now, there was a time and a place where the screamers were the fun ones, shudders at the thought. No do not let that monster back out, you are better than that. You do not have to be a monster. The girl speaks, I hear words but I do not listen to their meaning, the battle in my mind is beginning. The battle between the monster who wants out and the ounce of humanity that holds me to this world that connects me to those around me, this is where I find my pain, this is where I also find my peace. For this reason the battle in won by the beast, that moment of peace, is worth the ever enduring pain.

Watching her face, her wonder in her eyes slowly turning to fear, I can feel it those very same feelings I had when I first encountered Maria. But I shall spare her my fate, tonight this one shall be only a meal… running a hand through her hair inhaling her sweet scent swiftly crushing her voice box before allowing her change to scream, her heart racing beneath my hand the fire roaring in my throat the monster asking to be sated, to feel the warm soothing feeling of the ruby liquid. Running my nose along her throat her fear over whelming me, and yet the monster in me refused to snap her neck, tonight he wins over wanting to feel the fresh liquid pump into its mouth rather than having to suck harder to draw it out, biting down in to her jugular I growl out the bitter sweet sensation the blood brings the soothing of the burning but the quite emotional screams I feel bringing with it an aching feeling wanting it to be over, sucking hard I drain her moaning slightly as I reach peace, that moment where she has given over stops fighting in that moment I feel no emotional pain and the burning is soothed. Taking her body along the alley finding a dumpster, leaving her near it, deciding perhaps this one deserves to be found, and maybe it is time to leave town, before any suspicion is risen about vampires… when police come across an odd body mutilated in such a way as our prey is they usually blame it on hacks trying to impersonate the creatures that do not exist, because of course thanks to the Volturi we do not, we are whispers and rumours and nothing more…


End file.
